Em is three months old!!!

How time flies! The little one turned three months old today and I'm back at work. Of course there's more excitement about the former than the latter. I've mixed feelings about going back to work. Like any mother (even second timers), I feel an anxiety that I'm leaving my baby in the care of someone else...in this case, my mum, fortunately. Even so, I wish I could take care of her full time in the first part of her life, definitely more than just 3 mths. I worry that my mum can't handle her on her own. It's been a trying three months but I hope our prayers are heard cos both my mum and I have been praying that all goes well. We'll see...

Baptism

Em was baptized today, almost 3 months after she was born. Siu kindly agreed to be Em's Godma as well. I'm so grateful she agreed. I'm not the greatest mum around and the girls will have someone else to turn to if they ever need advice or help. We had to go for three preparatory classes beforehand, which I thought was a bit of a drag as we only had to go for one session at St Anne's Church when Meg was baptized. However, the sessions were an eye opener and our facilitator, Gerard, said something that I agree with wholeheartedly.
On the issue of parents not having their newborns baptized but preferring to leave it to them to choose their own faith when they grow up, he had this to say: How is it that we don't 'ask' our children which school they want to go to when they turn 7 or ask them if they want to take piano or ballet lessons? Instead, we decide as parents to put them in the best school, enroll them in the best enrichment classes which we think will benefit them. So why is it that when it comes to the religious well being of our children, a major step they take in accepting to be a child of God, a God who will help them along in life and watch over them, we hesitate to give them the best and allow them to 'choose'? I agree entirely with this view and think that if there is only one gift we can give them at birth, it is to give them the gift of being God's child. I am grateful that my parents 'gave me no choice' in that sense, not because I don't think I would've become a Catholic later on in life if they had, but I grew up with God around me, in school, in my home, with my friends, with God always watching over me and I feel privileged to be a Catholic. I definitely want the same for my two kids. Hopefully before the end of our lives, MJ will also convert and find solace in God's arms.
If you're wondering why the priest who baptized Emma has been 'chopped' off, this pix was taken by Meg as I was carrying the babe and MJ and Siu were standing beside me. It's a decent picture I must say...a job well done! That was Father Peter Koh who baptized her and as he poured holy water over Em's head three times, it startled her a little but thankfully, she did not cry.

The Sleeping Babe

Don't let these pictures fool you...she doesn't sleep that soundly most of the time. The only reason I'm posting pictures of Em asleep is because those are the only times I can actually photograph her. Also, I think pix of a sleeping babe are more calming than a wailing one! She is extremely cute when she's not fussing. She likes to move her hands a lot to find a comfortable position for herself. She won't sleep otherwise. This one sure knows what she wants!
She dozes off quite easily at the breast, which is a problem for my milk supply cos she doesn't nurse long enough! Sometimes I leave her lying asleep on my feeding pillow cos if I move her she will wake up and I have to put her back to sleep all over again.
"Oh gosh, all that noise!!! How's a babe supposed to sleep?!"
All bundled up and happy!

Emma at two months

We just hit the two month mark in Emma's new life...and it has been a ride. All the memories of looking after a newborn came flooding back after a dry spell of 6.5 years! We were humbly reminded that a baby's only way of communicating is by crying and boy does Emma love communicating! It's been a tough two months...you know people say that when one child is difficult to bring up, the second one is usually easier and vice versa...well, people are WRONG! We thought we'd be spared and Emma would be an easier babe to handle just because we remembered Meg to be a rather fussy baby, hardly sleeping and crying a lot of the time. Emma, however, wins hands down! Based on the first two months alone, it's been very trying having to bear and deal with Em's incessant crying. Whether it's due to colic, or hunger or her inability to go to sleep without wailing for more than an hour, this little babe has jolted us back to earth, showing us that bringing up baby is really no walk in the park. Some have it easier, with a baby who just eats and sleeps, suckles well, and the mums have abundant breastmilk. I hope these mothers realise that they're the lucky ones. For others like myself - who thought that Em might be an easier baby to take care of... after all, she did was sleep almost all of the time during her first few days of life. However, by the second week, Emma's high pitched, ear-piercing, blasting cries indicated that things weren't going to be easy. One way to stop her cries almost immediately is to 'chuck' her to the breast or bottle feed her but this has led to her forming a bad habit of needing to suckle or suck on something before she goes to sleep. We have decided not to give her the pacifier (for as long as we can hold out) so she's ended up sucking on her mittens. Count yourself 'lucky', if you accidentally brush your nose against those tiny little gloves full of new baby saliva! Trust me, new or not, they smell the same!
Looking back on the past two months, something that has crossed my mind is that the government's cash incentive of a 'baby bonus' is really not the way to go. Money should never be the carrot dangled in front of couples to have more children, especially if they can't afford it and are doing it 'just for the money'. For $4000 (and a dollar for dollar match up to $6000), couples will soon realise that it's really not worth the money to be 'saddled' with a child for life just for a few thousand dollars which will seep out of the pocket in no time. It's a nice bonus for people who are planning to have kids, or are having a baby regardless of any 'incentives'. But to give people money to have kids is dangerous and the less educated couples, who usually are the ones who cannot afford to have too many kids, will be attracted by the monetary rewards, especially if they're in financial trouble. New life must be brought into this world only as an act of love and only if the parents are prepared to bring the baby up to the best of their abilities. It's not easy and I can understand why some couples prefer to remain childless.

One thing's for sure though, however difficult it may seem at the time when handling a wailing babe, that phase will pass and one has to remind oneself to control one's emotions and persevere, and to try to enjoy your new baby in her quiet and adorable times, and pray that she grows into the manageable stage quickly.

Miss Bo-Geh

She's 7 but she's only shed 3 teeth. Her new nickname is 'Miss Bo-Geh' in addition to 'poop-thrower'. She's growing up fast and changing all the time...Where she was once not shy of the camera at all, she now turns away and avoids it whenever it's pointed at her and needs some coaxing before she'll relent...
She keeps her teeth in a little treasure chest and keeps asking if it's better for one's teeth to drop sooner or later. We tell her the teeth will drop when it's time to drop and later is better cos once the milk teeth are gone, the new set is permanent and she has to take very good care of them as there's no 'second chance' if they decay.

Emma Turns One (month, that is)

It's Emma's 'muah guay' and we busied ourselves rushing around to distribute her 'cake' to our friends and relatives. The 'cake' in question was a double-tray mini eclairs filled with superlicious, supper yummy and addictive coffee and chocolate fillings. Many asked where I got them from...The lady at the store must surely thank me when I next visit her. We eventually had to distribute the eclairs over two days as they are bought frozen and we couldn't possibly cover everyone within a few hours. So we had to return to the shop to get a second batch. Great that our friends enjoyed the dessert...but it was quite a bit of effort finding the right box to put them in...we bought them in bulk of twelve trays per carton. Needless to say, my breastmilk supply suffered over the two days as I was busy driving around and did not pump nor feed for a good 10-12 hours on the first day, and pretty much the same on the second. Anyhow, this will be the last time we'll be giving out one-month cakes! Two is enough!!!

Megan and Emma

The 'jie-jie' asked to carry 'mei mei' at the hospital and was thrilled yet apprehensive at the same time. She mustered the courage to hold the babe, sitting down of course, and didn't dare move an inch the whole time. She has declared herself "the poop-thrower", helping to throw soiled diapers, cringing her face when it's an especially stinky one. She's also my 'fetcher' when I'm stuck at a position with the babe at breast. So far, there are no visible signs of jealousy but we keep reminding ourselves to shower extra attention on her 'just in case'. She loves playing with Emma and constantly declares "she's so cute". My friend Cat told me that when a new baby is born into a family with a sibling, the parents have to shower attention on the sibling, not the newborn...quite true...never thought of it that way...hope her love for her mei mei endures...

Introducing Emma...

God boosted Singapore's diminishing birth population by introducing a new babe into this world...Emma finally arrived at 0635hrs on Thursday, 16 September 2010, weighing 3.31kg, healthy and looking like an exact replica of her older sister Meg when she was born. That was the first thing that struck both MJ and I and if I weren't looking at Meg in front of me, I'd have thought that babe was Meg. What an uncanny similarity! I delivered via C-section, not quite what I'd hoped for, but circumstances were such that it was the best option. My cervix wasn't dilating, even after I was induced, my blood pressure was unusually high, and my body was shaking like jelly after my gynae did an internal examination to determine how dilated I was. He presented three options to me, the first was to wait it out for another 12 hours or so, to see if my cervix opened up, but if it didn't I would still have to deliver via C-section. He wasn't hopeful that it would dilate and I could tell that his preference was to do it swiftly and go with the C. The second was to do the C with epidural and the third, under GA. Although doing the procedure with epidural would've enabled MJ to be in the operating theatre to witness the birth, we decided to go with GA, cos I wasn't sure if I could bear the 'sights and sound's of my tummy being sliced open. It was ultimately my decision to go with the C under GA, and the good doctor prepped himself at 0545hrs ready for surgery, but not before saying a prayer with me and MJ at the delivery suite.
I remember being wheeled into the operating theatre, but not any reassuring parting words from my husband. The view from the bed is exactly like what you see in movies, with the ceiling going past you when you're lying down. The feeling I had at the time is one of fear, uncertainty, great fear. I can't explain it. It was my first surgery and I guess that's part of the reason. I'm not sure if it was cold or just my nerves but I remember distinctively that I was shaking very uncontrollably and I was upset about that. I couldn't stop myself no matter how I tried.
In no time, I was in the operating theatre and again, it's exactly how it's like in the movies and on TV with huge looming lights above, and all the doctors and nurses were unidentifiable as they were all gowned up in operating gear. By this time, shaking like jelly is an understatement. It was like I was having fits. I prayed very very hard to ask the Lord to calm me down, as I realised that the shaking wasn't going to help when they were about to insert the needle into my arm. This part of the procedure was probably the most painless. Everything happened so quickly and the last thing I remembered was the anaesthetist, Dr Ma (who had more than 20 years experience and everyone has woken up under his charge, reassured my doctor) saying, "Have a good sleep"...
I woke up with an awful feeling in my throat. I was probably in the recovery room, as I didn't recognise the place, but then again, I wouldn't have recognised anything as I was in the most drowsy state. All I could muster to the nurse scribbling something next to me was "I need water"...but I was ignored and she said something like "just rest". The next thing I wanted to ask was about the baby, but I drifted back to unconsciousness soon after.
Then I felt myself being wheeled, back to the ward I assumed, with the sounds of another day beginning for the rest of the people along the way. My eyes were shut but I could hear everything. After a rather long journey, I knew I was back in the room, and after things had quietened down, and I heard some noises in the room, I assumed it was MJ there and immediately mustered some strength to ask "How's the baby? Is she normal? Ten fingers ten toes?" MJ thought I was hallucinating as I asked the questions with a drawl and slur in my voice. You'd think that that's the first thing the operating theatre staff would tell you after you've regained consciousness. I mean, it's every mother's first concern if the baby came out alright, normal, etc. Why don't they tell you these things instead of you having to ask?
After MJ realised that my questions made sense, he replied that everything was normal and I was relieved and fell back into stupor. The next thing I knew, the baby was wheeled in to suckle at my breast. I'm not sure how long after my conversation with MJ did this occur but I could finally open my eyes and saw the little babe for the first time. The first thing that came to my mind was "Megan!" I could not believe it.
She suckled well and the rest is a blur.
All I can say is that C-sections are no fun and I would've opted to stick with a natural birth if I'd known. I hadn't read up on having C-sections and that was a mistake. If I'd known what it entailed, I would've waited until a natural birth was a firm non-option, only then would I have gone for the C. It takes longer for one to recover from the C and the pain is probably worse than giving birth naturally. For natural births, the hardest thing after delivery for me was the first pee, but other than that, everything was bearable and the pain was gone in a few days. The pain for the C-section wound took a full 7 days to diminish and there were alot of side effects along the way. A catheter had to be placed in me before the op as I was bed bound after the procedure. There was a huge bandage covering the wound which I was allergic to and developed a bad rash with boils. The rashes gave me such an unbearable itch so I naturally had to scratch it, which then broke the boil which was filled with watery discharge. The scars they left behind are hideous and are still there to this day. They are going to be permanent, I'm afraid.
I had to wear a binder to support my abdomen. This exacerbated the itch and the tightness of the elastic binder kept the area hot and non-ventilated, adding to my already uncomfortable state. All in all, definitely no fun!
Whatever it is, it's all over. Baby Emma is healthy and that's what's important. Every mother would suffer all the pain in the world for their baby...and with God's help, the miracle had finally been born.

E-Day (E for Emma)

The time is near. In a matter of a few hours, my journey over the past nine months will see the light at the end of the tunnel. The past 41 weeks of waiting will finally see some fruition with the arrival of our second daughter...hopefully. My thoughts and feelings over the past few days have been a roller coaster ride. As of today, little Emma is 8 days late. Meg was also 8 days late 7 years ago...the only difference is Meg came out on her own after that time. This little one is still refusing to budge! By tomorrow, she'll be 9 days overdue and Dr Lim has advised that I be induced tomorrow morning.
I have not seen this pregnancy through with the best possible care. I haven't eaten all that well, all that healthily. Nor have I been sleeping well. I've had several major deadlines in the last one to two months and that has added to my stress level and lack of sleep. Although Emma has been very active all this while, much more so than Meg ever was, the guilt has been nagging inside me but of course it's too late to do anything about it now. All I can do now is pray that all is well and she is healthy and normal.
If I'd written this blog yesterday, it would've taken a very depressive tone. My head was full of negative thoughts, of all the possible scenarios that could occur, all bad ones. Today, although I'm still a little scared and nervous about what's going to happen tonight and tomorrow morning, I'm beginning to accept it and am looking forward to Em's arrival, rather than be afraid of it.
I don't want to be induced. Many baby websites I've read have said that the baby will arrive in her own time, and there is no need to induce...but as you can see from the pix above, I'm rather big, and that photo was shot two weeks ago. So I've grown more since then and the longer I wait, the less likely I'm able to give birth naturally. Doc has already warned me that a C-section is highly likely, if my cervix doesn't dilate, but he will try delivering me naturally first. I'm in two minds whether to take epidural or not. I didn't with Meg and I'm scared of needles. The pain was excruciating then, but with tonight's induction, the pain will no doubt be twice as bad. I would still want to try to bear it, but my only fear is that if my body doesn't obey and my cervix doesn't open up, I'd have to suffer the pain and still end up going for a C-section. I will just pray for Him to guide me and help me get through it, whatever the outcome. I prayed that by some miracle, she might arrive yesterday on her own accord, or even today, but there's no sign of that happening yet. I've talked to Emma to coax her to come out, but I guess she's got a mind of her own!
Well the clock is ticking and my goose bumps are appearing...I guess I'll just have to finish up packing and just leave everything in God's hands.

Kite Flying and Other Rantings

I hope these two huge fields in Sengkang stay empty for a long time to come. To hope that it stays vacant forever is wishful thinking. It's just a matter of time before the construction cranes move in and new HDB blocks sprout up in no time. That's the sad reality in Singapore. Anything unspoiled and remotely beautiful will not be left untouched for long. Instead, some kind of artificial intervention in the name of 'conservation' will move in and this act alone already spoils the natural beauty of the place. Case in point: the hot springs at Sembawang. I'd forgotten about this gem until MJ reminded me about it. A natural spring of hot steamy water has been reduced to a concrete platform with taps dispensing the hot spring water. It's like taking a beautiful verse of poetry and turning it to commercial prose so that the masses can 'understand' it. So instead of letting people appreciate nature as it is, we have to be 'taught' in a way some highly paid official trying to justify his or her pay by coming up with such sterile solution deems fit as a solution to what they perceive as a clever way to 'conserve' an area. I shudder whenever I hear that an area has been 'earmarked for conservation' because that to me means that artificiality will set in and the essence of the place will surely be lost. Look at the new Marina Bay promenade or the double helix bridge that leads to the Marina Bay Sands IR. there is just one word that comes to mind: ARTIFICIAL. It reminds me of a Chinaman who has his well-gelled hair plastered to his head, not a strand out of place. Neat, sculptured, organised and mostly nice to look at. I must admit I was quite impressed with the entire area when I first saw it, with a commanding skyline to boot but the true test of a place is whether it endures and I regret to say that it doesn't in my books. The worrying thing is that the architects behind these developments are giving themselves a pat on each other's backs, congratulating themselves on a job well done but at the end of the day, the key element that's missing is SOUL.

Spot the upside down spider.
That's our penguin kite in the sky.

So back to the field in Sengkang. There were about 50-70 kites of all shapes and sizes flying in the clear blue sky earlier this evening. It was quite a sight but the effect was lost when I tried to photograph it. So I didn't try very hard. It's quite a carefree feeling to fly a kite in a great big open field, albeit a muddy one from the earlier downpour. It's a fun filled activity and definitely very healthy for family bonding. Families should be able to go down to the field as and when they want to, to engage in whatever activities that a simple empty space will fulfill. No need for fancy boardwalks or sculpted grass. Just pure, raw nature is what we want and need. Please don't take that away from us! But as I said, it's wishful thinking in Singapore.

Meg the aspiring photographer.The man on the right helped us hook up our kite. In the olden days, people knew how to build their own kites. These days, we don't even know how to hook the line to it!Ah...finally got it into the air.
Not sure if Meg was trying to spot little butterflies here or trying to avoid the muddy spots.

Jurong Birdpark

In my attempt to try to induce labour by walking, Meg and I went to the birdpark with Chang and Rhian yesterday. We spent half the day there and the weather was perfect even though it threatened to rain in the morning. We started off the visit with a rather entertaining bird show at 10am and the highlight for me was watching the magnificent birds soar low, just over the heads of the audience, wings spread like they're about to devour their prey in a swift swoop. There were a few foolish and ignorant people who actually raised their hands to try to touch the birds as they flew above them. These are predator birds like vultures, eagles and hawks and unless these people want to lose part of their hands, they'd do well to keep their hands to themselves. On the whole it was a nice day, not too tiring and the two girls enjoyed themselves I think!
This is supposedly the largest man-made waterfall in the region at 30m.
Feeding the lories at the Lory Loft with a special nectar mixture at $3 a cup. It's quite a treat when a group of them flock to you at the same time, as it makes for a wonderful photo!

Long Time No Blog...

7, my favourite number, but more importantly, the age my daughter hit at the end of July. As her birthday fell on a Friday, and she had a packed day of classes on Saturday, namely swimming, thinking and art classes, we took her to Changi Airport after Catechism class to have a dessert.
It's been awhile...Quite a lot has happened since June...but I haven't had the time nor will to blog about it. A quick rundown: Meg turned 7 at the end of July, Sumiko got married, I met a major deadline at the end of August, the inaugural Youth Olympic Games (YOG) is finally over and as I type this, I'm awaiting the birth of my second daughter.
We decided to celebrate Meg's birthday this year, and picked Ben & Jerry's ice cream place for her party. We invited about 15 friends to her party, mostly girls, except for James.
Our little girl is growing up!!!

BANGKOK - DAY 10

We get the daily paper with our room...The Nation, and saw a listing for a talk at the Foreign Correspondents Club of Thailand (FCCT) with the topic - View from the Trenches: The Dramatic End to the Red Shirts' Rally - Cameramen and journalists discuss their first-hand experiences.
We knew we wanted to go for this, but it was impossible to take Meg along...so we had to decide who would go...no prizes for guessing who did...
Besides the talk, there was an exhibition titled "Through the lens: Bangkok's political unrest" which I didn't get to see. Both Meg and I went along to the FCCT with MJ in the hope that I'd get to see the photo exhibition at least, then leave with Meg while MJ stayed on for the talk. But the exhibition was inside the room and one had to pay 300B for entry for non-members so I asked MJ to take photos of the photos so I could have a look.
There weren't many and the prints were quite small, about A4 size.
Photographers whose works were on exhibit included - Agnes Dherbeys, Athit Perawongmetha, Masaru Goto (who was also on the panel), Nick Nostitz, Olivier Sarbil, Patrick de Noirmont, Roger Arnold and Siripong Kanjanabut.

This one's a sure winner at next year's World Press Photo competition...Key red shirt leader and rogue army officer Maj-Gen Khattiya Sawasdipol moments after he was shot in the head by a sniper's bullet on 13 May 2010. Very few photographers were near him when he was shot and not many got this pix, only two that I know of.
Tribute was paid to two journalists who lost their lives during the clashes, Japanese cameraman Hiro Muramoto from Reuters, who was shot and killed during armed conflict between the government and protesters on April 10 and freelance Italian photojournalist Fabio Polenghi, 45, was shot in the stomach and died on May 19, 2010.
(L-R): Todd Ruiz and Olivier Sarbil, the two journalists (Sarbil was the photojournalist) were the only two people who gained access to the "Men in Black" the real people to be afraid of...more below.
ST's very own Nirmal Ghosh was introduced as "the esteemed Nirmal Ghosh from The Straits Times", which shows that he is well respected amongst the foreign journalists in Thailand. He was asked for his views on "What's next for Thailand?".
Nirmal only appeared briefly and then disappeared. Perhaps he had a deadline to meet for the paper?
Unedited footage with ambient sound and all was shown and apparently affected quite a few people in the room. I've asked MJ to write something about the evening for this blog.
Here's his account:

The session at FCCT (The Foreign Correspondents Club of Thailand) was highlighted in the local English paper, The Nation, on the eve of our departure from Bangkok. Titled: "View from the Trenches: The Dramatic End to the Red Shirts' Rally - Cameramen and journalists discuss their first-hand experiences." It would be a rare opportunity to hear what they say and witnessed.

The plan was for me and Steph to go there and take turns to view a concurrent photo exhibition while one of us stayed outside with Meg since we knew the pictures would definitely not be kid-friendly. When we reached there, FCCT was packed to the brim with lots of journalists, freelancers and some members of the public. As the photo exhibition was held in the room where the talk was to be held, and non-members have to pay to enter, Steph "sacrificed" and volunteered to bring meg to Siam Paragon while i attended the session.

As a non-member, I paid 300 baht to attend. The room was alive with chatter, laughter and bonding among journalists, both broadcast and print. I recognised a few faces (although they don't know me) from twitters and internet coverage of the crisis which I'd been following quite closely throughout. It felt surreal to be in the same room with these people who went through the dangerous times together.

We, in the packed room, were reminded by the coordinator that the purpose of this session is to come together to share and discuss what each other had witnessed and experienced and to keep our emotions in check during Q and A. Footage and still photographs were shown on a few screens around us. BBC kicked it off by showing some footage. But it was the footage of two other video journalists on the panel which made our hearts stop and as I briefly scanned the faces of the audience, it was intense and some tried to hide their emotions. One video journalist commented that as there were so many views, opinions coming from different sources, he felt he didn't know what was true anymore. Thus he presented his footage raw, unedited, and in chronological order. The only request he made was to have the volume of the ambient sound turned up since there was no voice over. In his footage, the loud booming sound of home-made bombs going off, the shrill screams of one Thai when someone related to him died, the chaotic run for cover with the video recording still on, the sound of bullets piercing through the air permeated the entire room. But it was the footage of Italian photojournalist Fabio Polenghi being shot and pulled away by fellow journalists at the scene that was most unbearable to watch. The chaotic scene of Fabio being dragged off the street by journalists in midst of fire, at one time someone lost a grip of him and his head, helmet on, hit hard onto the ground, made us cringe even more. Incredibly he was put in a sitting position on a motorbike leaning against the rider and supported by another guy behind him. All 3 of them on a small motorbike, rushed to the hospital. It was reported Fabio died in hospital. We were watching someone from our occupation die as he was doing his job. I stole a glance at the panel which also comprised Japanese photographer Masaru Goto who was at the scene as well. There were no words to describe their expression.

Coverage of the crisis by these journalists had apparently taken its toll because when a question was posed to another video journalist on how he felt, he said something briefly before stopping, apologised and leaned back, emotionally drained, unable to go on.

Among the panel members were two freelancers, journalist Kenneth Todd Ruiz and Olivier Sarbil, a photojournalist. It was believed that they were the only ones who were in the tent with the infamous para-militaries, dubbed ''men in black'' by the media, as they prepared for war. The group allowed them inside their secret world with one condition: if they took any pictures, they would be killed.

Still pictures by Masaru Goto were awesome. Incredibly close, incredibly brave, incredibly dangerous. He explained the picture of Major General Khattiya Sawasdipol, also known as 'Seh Daeng' after he was shot by a sniper at Lumpini Park. He said when it happened, he thought Seh Daeng had just fainted, since no gun shots were heard at all. Then on auto mode, he pressed his camera shutter. Only a few seconds later, people, including himself realised what had really happened. On another picture of a volunteer fire fighter who was shot in the head as he was trying to help a demonstrator, Masaru commented although they were all a few centimeters away from him, no one could help as guns were going off in their direction, preventing anyone from doing anything. Although he did not mention this, I later discovered that Masaru was photographed by an AP photographer helping an injured protestor. In a brief apperance on a video shot by another video journalist, I believe I saw Masaru helping to carry Fabio, took some shots before helping again. It was a telling moment to all that photojournalists, even in times of danger, will help someone in need first before photographing.

As we moved to the Q and A, it was clear there would be no clear answers even in the room filled with journalists.

Questions such as these were fired all around:

a) Who were the black shirts? Were they really different from the red shirts?

b) Were the red shirts not armed at all?

c) How many "Men in black" were there?

d) Were the media biased?

e) Who saw armed black shirts with their own eyes?

f) Who saw armed red shirts with their own eyes?

d) What is next for Thailand?

There were different accounts of who the red and black shirts are, whether they were armed or not, as different journalists were at different places. It even prompted someone to ask, what difference does that make anymore?

The session ended with more questions than answers for me. Of cos, I didn't expect answers at all in the first place as there are so many layers beneath this crisis. It's more important for Thailand to have the answers and recover fast as it is a country with a rich culture and friendly people. I proceeded to look at the photos shot during the crisis on the wall in the room. At the entrance , there were two pictures. One of Japanese video journalist, the other Italian photojournalist Fabio, both whom died during their coverage of the crisis. As I took a picture, someone behind me, apparently having a conversation with another, said Fabio was cremeted in a Bangkok temple. "Oh when was that?". "MAy 24th" came the answer, the date of my birthday.

I walked out with a slight chill in my bones. Maybe it was the airconditioning, I told myself. The walk to the BTS was eeriely quiet. On the platform i came across familar faces who were also at the talk. None spoke even though they were in a group. The journey back to the hotel in the train was unusually quiet too. I expected to see the familar MTV they keep playing on the trains, a 'national song' recorded by Thai artistes of the recovery from the crisis but it was not played. In my mind the images and sound of the crisis shown on video earlier kept playing in my mind, the shrill scream of the protestor, the pool of blood left by Italian photojournalist Fabio. In a way, I am glad that wifey did not attend the talk at FCCT.

In the meantime, yours truly was engaged in a rather trivial (when compared to the FCCT talk) activity of having a last treat of local durians. I'd only had it once at the start of the trip, and it was fitting that I should end the trip with it too. I bought two different kinds this time. The Kanyao (which I've never heard of) and the Monthong. The Kanyao is smaller in size and more expensive, but the woman at the supermarket told me that the Kanyao is "Thailand no. 1 durian" and the Monthong is no. 2. How not to try it after she said that?
Four seeds of Kanyao cost 200B and the seeds are bigger than the Monthong with less meat.
They also have a deeper yellow colour and generally tastes sweeter than the Monthong.
Having now tried both, I think I still prefer the Monthong. It's creamier, has more meat and is generally more satisfying to my taste bud. Now I'm longing for another one....